Alone vs. Lonely

Before I begin this diary post I want you to read the following sentence:

“It’s not too late and you’re not too far.”

This is a little affirmation I have been replaying in my head for some days now. I’m about to let you guys into a very personal part of my life that I usual keep behind guarded walls. Relationships.

I’ve been seeing someone for a while. Well, I was seeing someone for a while. At my age, when you meet someone and start to spend the time to get to know them, there are things on your list of musts. You know, the things you want from a partner. I’ve learned from previous relationships things I don’t want and things I can compromise on, the realistic stuff.

Dating him was so easy and effortless. We both fell hard.

What wasn’t to love about this guy?

Family-check. Best Friends-check. GUY best friend-check, check.

It was all really good. And for once, I was ready to “name the puppy”.

Pause. Let me explain…naming the puppy is what the girls and I say when you REALLY like a guy and are ready to call him by name. Not “this guy I’m seeing”, but really start to call him by name to your friends and family. This is something that’s always been hard for me! Never, ever did I ever name the puppy with other guys I’ve spent time with. But dang you guys, I don’t know what kind of high charged arrows cupid was using that day, but I freaking named the puppy! I was that sure of this guy and our connection.

It’s so crazy because as he and I were beginning to date and get serious, so were all my other friends who had been single for a while. It was like the stars were aligning and I was already looking at cul-de-sacs for ALL of us to live in once we all got happily married (day dreaming in over drive people) and our kids would be best friends…it was ALL SO PERFECT!

He expressed often, and so sweetly, how much he loved me and I let my walls down. I wanted him to be the one. I actually spoke those words to my family and close friends.

So, what’s the problem Tor?

We had a conversation about our faith, the future, and how we view life. This conversation HAD TO HAPPEN, especially if I’ve been researching cul-de-sacs.

Nothing about him was toxic but, the red flags, they were there.

This kills me to even share that with you guys. I was on the road quite a bit and had a couple of sleepless nights filled with late night calls to my girls to help me find my thoughts. I was too scared to pray because I didn’t want to hear what God had to say. I was humiliated to announce to my family (they LOVE him) that once again, their daughter is single and still hasn’t found the one. #sitherathekidtable #holidaysarebrutal

I was in New York for fashion week last week and there was one day where I had the rest of the afternoon off after running around the city non-stop. I don’t do well with idle time and I found myself alone and thinking how lonely I’ll feel if I break this off. I couldn’t shake the sadness that I was feeling, the sadness of being alone.

That night, a couple of my friends took me out on the town. They didn’t know what was going on in my personal life, and I planned on going out for a little while, but totally was going to pull a Houdini (when I’m too tired to be out, I disappear from the bar and head straight to my pajamas- it’s a signature move I pull when it’s just time for me to go home). I bring this up because I didn’t Houdini as planned and had an absolute BLAST!

I was so happy that I went out and put my fears of loneliness away. When I knew what I had to do about this relationship, the choice I had to make really killed me. I was fighting back tears, my stomach was in knots. All I wanted to do was isolate myself. I wanted to be alone.

You know what I’ve learned? Pain is isolating. That’s when the enemy out does himself. When I’m around those in my corner, I’m reminded that the great God I serve is also in my corner. He’s got me, He sees me, He knows the desires of my heart.

I love sharing this quote from my sister Desiree, “Sometimes we have to say ‘no’ to even the good in order to get the great, sometimes we have to say ‘no’ to the great so we can receive God’s best.”

I didn’t want this to end. I wanted this relationship to work for the long run, especially now that all my friends are in love. I wanted the happy ending I’ve been waiting on and I didn’t want to feel lonely, I refused!

I’ve been so distracted by the cons of letting us end that I completely lost sight of all of the things I try to preach to you guys.

So, I’ve decided that it doesn’t always have to be a big dramatic breakup with a horrible ending. Sometimes it’s just an ending and that’s pretty much it. I trust and and believe that God has something for me. Sometimes I stop and think, “but, how will I know?”

He’s led me this far, so, I’ll know.

I am certain that I have a happy ending out there waiting for me. You do too.

We can’t pay too much attention to whose doing what, who’s married, who’s engaged, who’s poppin’ out precious babies… because that is a part of life that happens for everyone in their own time.

You are where you need to be, see the glass half full.

Remember, it’s not too late and you’re not too far.